Thursday, December 31, 2009


Last night, I was misled. Someone told me that on New Years Eve, the lucky few who live in Long Beach will countdown to the new year by witnessing the spectacle of seeing a man dive his car into the ocean. He will not survive the event. This shocked me at first. I thought, "Who would want to see that?" and "is it illegal to witness a suicide?" and finally, "Wouldn't I be an accomplice?". At any rate, I thought that I owed myself to see this.

Basically, it would turn out like this.

See, the Suburu will ascend the ramp illustrated above, and will then suddenly plunge in the ocean.

The next day, a friend of mine asks me, "How are you going to spend New Years?". I told him that I didn't know, but there is the possiblity that I would match a man die tonight. He then invites me to some party started by his creepy landlord. Soon, another friend calls and asks the same question. He then says, "Oh, yeah, I heard of that too. I don't know where the news came from, but I think it's spreading word of mouth. I've got relatives who've been talking about this for months. They're saying stuff like 'Hey, man. Let's watch a man die.' "

THEN, the other friend and calls back and says, "HEY. CHANGE OF PLANS. WE TOO ARE GOING TO WATCH A MAN DIE."

Later that night, with my brother and cousins, we got on the car and drove to Long Beach. There was a full moon out, and theres a tinge of blood in the air. After cutting off a fellow motorist, we turned into the right line into Pine Street, where the suicide will take place. "Shit.", one cousin says. "Parking is $20. Wanna pitch in?" We all responded "No."

Then we drove about a half a mile down to look for cheaper parking, where we ended up into a dark alley that lead into a place where we can make a U-Turn. Then the alarms sounded off! Lights everywhere, cameras pointing in every direction. Which was put to waste since we all had masks on and my cousin has no license plates. It looked just like Black Mesa.

Our lives were in danger.

As you can see it was a long drive.

Some roadblocks along the way.

But in the end, we found $10 Parking, which was a lot more reasonable. I didn't pay up, but, one of us had found some money in an old coat earlier, and it had made his day. It turned out to be the exact amount we needed, and we told him to pay up or he too will end up in the ocean.

Then we got there.

Problem number one. It was sponsored by Red Bull. Now you know what kind of "wings" they're referring to.

Problem number two, we couldn't even reach the location, as others had already got there before us, and many were waiting in line in futility. However, there was a large television set, and we decided to look at that instead.

Problem number three, it was being broadcast on ESPN. There was television with personalities with fake names like JACK FAST, and their resident Football guy comparing the pending suicide to a touchdown. "Based on mah calkulachuns, the man will have to go through lots of pressures on his way to the field goal."

Problem number four. It was being televised for eastern standard time. Which wasn't really a problem with us, since we got there five hours early.

So, come 8:59, and the man gears up into his vehicle. He does a few runs around the road, and at 9:02, two minutes into the New Year, decides to drive towards the ocean....

...and into a landing pad.

But on the bright side, we saw a really cool looking guy today. He looked like this.
You wouldn't believe it.


  1. yeah this was as pretty lame, it seems like something done just for this guy to show himself off.

  2. 2009 sucked, for me at least it did but this jump was the cherry on top of a sucky year and by cherry I mean dookie.

  3. hahaha sorry to come back to this but the ending of this post is just brilliant. "saw a cool guy today" haha that's gold Jerry, it's gold.